written Sabbath, 3 July 2021

Was that really abuse? Is that just my made-up story about it? Is that just the lens I'm using to justify my hurt feelings? What is going on here?

I already posted that I find it difficult to use terms like “abuse” to describe my childhood environment. My conscious experience of childhood was almost completely positive as far as the feelings and opinions I held about my caregivers and most of the adults associated with the CHDG. So I have a hard time saying my childhood environment was “abusive”.

I am totally on board with the belief that it affected my brain development. I also accept that certain ideas were taught without considering whether the children present might misunderstand them and try to enact them without having the developmental wherewithal to do it correctly. And I can testify that there was a lot of active encouragement and incentive to apply those concepts to yourself as a child.

The only way I can justify labeling the culture's actions as “abusive” is when I think about how they misapplied a correct Biblical concept to children. Maybe that's what I need to talk about today: what was the Big Lie that was forced on my existence, which then made me believe I must Do Something! which then changed the course of my development?

So, sin is a big Bible concept. I accept it. What most religions I know of don't tell you is that there is strong Biblical evidence that you are not held accountable by GOD for doing sinful things until you become an adult at twenty years of age.¹ (Thank you, husband, for studying this and pointing it out for me.) Once you're twenty, you take on adult responsibilities. Prior to that, you have a twenty year grace period in which to LEARN and GROW. Your parents are responsible for teaching you what you need to know in life, which includes concepts like GOD and authority and sin and responsibility and all that stuff.

Maybe we need to take a break to let that one sink in. Let's get some bold all-caps going, because it's THAT big of a deal:

YOU ARE NOT MORALLY RESPONSIBLE OR ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD FOR SCREWING UP FROM THE TIME YOU ARE BORN UNTIL YOU TURN TWENTY YEARS OLD.

Got that? And, hey, if you need to take some time to go forgive yourself for all those things you're holding against yourself that NOT EVEN GOD is holding against you, go do that. The rest of the article isn't going anywhere.

Okay, back to business.

Side note: I am not an authority on everything kids are meant to learn, because A) I didn't learn it myself, and B) society in general is so far removed from what GOD first established that I'm not confident in my ability to raise a child in this day and age without failing tremendously.

Anyway – I believe that children from birth to twenty years are under the responsibility of their parents. And the role of the parents changes over time from providing total care to educating to guiding from the sidelines to letting go into total independence. Kids aren't meant to be bubble wrapped and kept from messing up. I think messing up is part of it – learning that there's consequences to behavior. It's not “Don't ever mess up”. It's “oh, you want to do that? Okay, and here's what's going to happen if you do.” And if they choose to steal a candy bar once, it's not “Uh-oh, you're sinful and bad and in trouble with GOD and you need to make that right and pray for forgiveness because you've sinned.” It's “You made a choice, that's not okay to do; here's what's going to happen in consequence, and here's what we're going to do about it to make it right. If you do this as an adult, you're accountable to GOD for it.”

So, yeah – I don't need to be giving parenting advice. I have no idea if I would actually handle that scenario in a healthy way. I just think insisting that all of childhood is a moral journey messes with a kid's mind. I'm theorizing that a certain amount of questionable behavior is necessary for proper development, under the authority of loving parents. Letting a kid have some independence to screw up is necessary, I imagine.

But the group I was in took that possibility away from my consciousness, because it became morally wrong (meaning, I would not be okay with GOD) to JUST BE A KID.

So I guess I can kind of see “abuse” in that effect, if I squint?

Having experienced this amazing change of mind, I'm here to tell you that it is an utter relief to know GOD didn't hold me accountable for the screwy things I did, said, and thought as a kid. There was so much shame and guilt wrapped up in some of that!!! And a lot of it happened precisely because I was just a kid. Not only did I not know any better, some of it was perfectly normal developmental occurrences. And it is such a RELIEF to be able to let responsibility for that go. To forgive myself. To know no one else important is holding that against me.

Now, I'm an adult. If I still pull foolish crap? Absolutely, I'm answerable to GOD for it. But once I'm aware I've sinned, there is an avenue of redemption: Confession (owning up, saying, “Yes, Father, I did that. Not trying to hide it.”)², repentance (I'm not going to do it again)³, and asking for forgiveness (because Somebody already paid the price for what I did and I don't have to).⁴ That is all scriptural, I have practiced it, and I believe it.

Now, the real question here is: how am I looking at my experience? I use words like “hurt” and “healing” and “trauma” and “damage”. Maybe the way my brain developed in the group (with age-INappropriate moral obligations) left me with some positive changes, too. I'm not discounting that possibility. I have thought-patterns I know for sure I want to abandon because they're in direct opposition to GOD's commands of how to live and think, or because they're hurtful and hinder daily life. Some brain-tracks might be changed or adapted. Some I might end up living with – maybe I wouldn't have them except for having lived through the background I grew up in, but they aren't hurting me and may be helpful.

The journey seems to be about deciding which is which.

References:

1. Exodus 30:11-16 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, (12) When thou takest the sum of the children of Israel after their number, then shall they give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them; that there be no plague among them, when thou numberest them. (13) This they shall give, every one that passeth among them that are numbered, half a shekel after the shekel of the sanctuary: (a shekel is twenty gerahs:) an half shekel shall be the offering of the LORD. (14) Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD. (15) The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel, when they give an offering unto the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls. (16) And thou shalt take the atonement money of the children of Israel, and shalt appoint it for the service of the tabernacle of the congregation; that it may be a memorial unto the children of Israel before the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.

   Numbers 1:1-3 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the tabernacle of the congregation, on the first day of the second month, in the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt, saying, (2) Take ye the sum of all the congregation of the children of Israel, after their families, by the house of their fathers, with the number of their names, every male by their polls; (3) From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their armies.

   Numbers 14:26-31 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying, (27) How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel, which they murmur against me. (28) Say unto them, As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you: (29) Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward, which have murmured against me, (30) Doubtless ye shall not come into the land, concerning which I sware to make you dwell therein, save Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun. (31) But your little ones, which ye said should be a prey, them will I bring in, and they shall know the land which ye have despised.

   Deuteronomy 1:34-39 And the LORD heard the voice of your words, and was wroth, and sware, saying, (35) Surely there shall not one of these men of this evil generation see that good land, which I sware to give unto your fathers, (36) Save Caleb the son of Jephunneh; he shall see it, and to him will I give the land that he hath trodden upon, and to his children, because he hath wholly followed the LORD. (37) Also the LORD was angry with me for your sakes, saying, Thou also shalt not go in thither. (38) But Joshua the son of Nun, which standeth before thee, he shall go in thither: encourage him: for he shall cause Israel to inherit it. (39) Moreover your little ones, which ye said should be a prey, and your children, which in that day had no knowledge between good and evil, they shall go in thither, and unto them will I give it, and they shall possess it.

   Numbers 26:63-65 These are they that were numbered by Moses and Eleazar the priest, who numbered the children of Israel in the plains of Moab by Jordan near Jericho. (64) But among these there was not a man of them whom Moses and Aaron the priest numbered, when they numbered the children of Israel in the wilderness of Sinai. (65) For the LORD had said of them, They shall surely die in the wilderness. And there was not left a man of them, save Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun.

   Numbers 32:8-13 Thus did your fathers, when I sent them from Kadeshbarnea to see the land. (9) For when they went up unto the valley of Eshcol, and saw the land, they discouraged the heart of the children of Israel, that they should not go into the land which the LORD had given them. (10) And the LORD'S anger was kindled the same time, and he sware, saying, (11) Surely none of the men that came up out of Egypt, from twenty years old and upward, shall see the land which I sware unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob; because they have not wholly followed me: (12) Save Caleb the son of Jephunneh the Kenezite, and Joshua the son of Nun: for they have wholly followed the LORD. (13) And the LORD'S anger was kindled against Israel, and he made them wander in the wilderness forty years, until all the generation, that had done evil in the sight of the LORD, was consumed.

2. Psalms 32:3-5 When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. (4) For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah. (5) I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

   1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

3. Matthew 3:1-2 In those days came John the Baptist, preaching in the wilderness of Judaea, (2) And saying, Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

   Luke 3:7-14 Then said he to the multitude that came forth to be baptized of him, O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come? (8) Bring forth therefore fruits worthy of repentance, and begin not to say within yourselves, We have Abraham to our father: for I say unto you, That God is able of these stones to raise up children unto Abraham. (9) And now also the axe is laid unto the root of the trees: every tree therefore which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. (10) And the people asked him, saying, What shall we do then? (11) He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise. (12) Then came also publicans to be baptized, and said unto him, Master, what shall we do? (13) And he said unto them, Exact no more than that which is appointed you. (14) And the soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall we do? And he said unto them, Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely; and be content with your wages.

   Matthew 4:17 From that time Jesus began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

4. Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

   Acts 26:15-18 And I said, Who art thou, Lord? And he said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest. (16) But rise, and stand upon thy feet: for I have appeared unto thee for this purpose, to make thee a minister and a witness both of these things which thou hast seen, and of those things in the which I will appear unto thee; (17) Delivering thee from the people, and from the Gentiles, unto whom now I send thee, (18) To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me.

   Colossians 1:12-14 Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light: (13) Who hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son: (14) In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:

   Hebrews 9:13-15 For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh: (14) How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? (15) And for this cause he is the mediator of the new testament, that by means of death, for the redemption of the transgressions that were under the first testament, they which are called might receive the promise of eternal inheritance.