written Sabbath day, 24 July 2021

Currently most frustrating thought-/behavior-pattern I'm dealing with right now: the Inner Critic and one way it shows up.

Pete Walker is a licensed psychotherapist who's faced down complex-PTSD in himself and others, and written books about the experience. (I'm not endorsing his approach. It helps me when others report their experiences; I can then say “Oh, yes, I've been there!” or, “No, my brain doesn't do that.” A lot of these folks don't approach healing from a "The Bible is a true record of GOD's will for humanity" viewpoint.) One thing he talks about is the Inner Critic^1,2. My understanding of this theory (in my own words) is that this Inner Critic is a thought pattern. A child's brain continually exposed to a critical environment becomes very used to thinking the critical thoughts and concepts they hear directed at them. These concepts become beliefs about themselves which are reinforced over and over, if they continue to be exposed to the critical environment.

This theory makes sense to me. I don't think I was born believing the thought, "I am bad and cannot trust my self." I also don't believe I was born with a dormant gene for self-hate in my DNA that got switched on by something in my environment. I DO believe the group culture introduced and reinforced self-criticism over many years. It makes sense that my immature brain developed a well-worn “rut” of synapses firing over and over, which was never challenged or corrected until recently.

(Okay, theoretical brain science lesson over.)

Side note: I've encountered many of these thought-patterns in my self-exploration quest. It helps to know they're just thoughts, and can be brought into submission, according to the Bible:

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (4) (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) (5) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; (6) And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

That's an incredibly uplifting and hopeful sequence of firing neurons!

What I want to talk about today is one way the Critic shows up for me, why it's sinful, and how utterly frustrating I find it.

Here's an example: Say I decide to do the dishes. Maybe there's a sink full, and I have the time and energy. The procedure goes like this:

1. Turn the hot water heater and the water pump on.

2. Wait 15 to twenty minutes.

3. Fill the wash side of the sink with hot, soapy water.

4. Wash a few dishes.

5. Rinse them under a slight but adequate stream of running hot water.

6. Place dishes on counter towel to dry.

7. Repeat until finished.

No problem, right? Not much thought involved, right? Just do the dishes already! Right? Well, kind of. There are, it is true, some special considerations in doing dishes in an RV while camping, such as water conservation, how much volume we're draining into the gray tank, how much propane we're using, making sure the hot water heater is primed and full, and not letting the soapy dishes sit so long before rinsing that the soap dries. But no problem – I am an adult and I can handle these issues in cooperation with my husband.

But here's the thing: my brain feels the need to justify my reasoning for almost every aspect of this basic household task just in case someone might question my actions. My brain automatically supplies justifications for why I'm choosing to do dishes today instead of tomorrow, now instead of earlier or later; why I feel it's necessary to change the water instead of using one sink-full only; why it's taking me as long as it is instead of being done quicker. Prior, when I'm sitting on the couch waiting for the water to heat up, reading a book or catching up on the news, my brain will supply justification for why I'm sitting down instead of doing something.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

That's just one example. Other things my brain supplies justification for: how early or late I wake up or go to bed, why I'm prioritizing one task over another, why I want to hike this trail instead of that one.... just on and on! Pretty much anything I have a say in, where I am free to express or practice individual power and choice, I have an inner dialogue going, defending my action.

This is somewhat exhausting and very annoying, as you can imagine.

I think there are several root beliefs here:

1. I am not safe.

2. I must constantly be on alert for attack.

3. My choices are not good enough.

4. My choices are not safe.

I say this is the Critic showing up because I think the root of all this is a false belief that all my individual desires and choices are suspect (which is what I learned back in the group). The group taught me to be critical of everything I do, because it might be dangerous. Therefore daring to make these autonomous, perfectly innocuous choices sends my brain into a tizzy. And sometimes, when those choices are criticized by another human (which is just an inevitable consequence of living and working around other humans, and I'm not going to change them or their behavior, am I?), my brain is like “SEE?!?! I told you so!”

But here's the thing: that thinking is rooted in ungodly fear³. Other roots are false shame and lies⁴ about my self. Also, it's an attempt to predict the future⁵, which is not cool with Father GOD.

So how do you combat that nonsense?

A long time ago, before I knew much about what was going on inside me, I tried hard to not be an ACTUAL critic myself. I firmly believed that there are almost as many ways to push a broom as there are humans, and the job gets done in the end anyway, doesn't it? So I avoided micro-managing others or mentally judging others' choices. I tried really, really hard to adopt completely the “Live, and let live” mentality.⁶

This was good for my interactions with others. People are easier to get along with when you're not being a jerk. It also got me likes, which with my warped need for approval and affection and love was a BIG incentive to keep doing it. I'd say the balance back then was 25% authenticity and 75% hypocrisy. I wasn't free.

Distilled down, the causes of this behavior are fear and lies. What dispels those things? Knowledge and truth. (Light!)

The most important weapon I have is learning by heart GOD's truth about me. There are scriptures that reaffirm that I have just as much (no more and no less) right to be here, take up space, and breathe air as any other meat-sack walking around has. Here are a few I know of:

Genesis 2:18, 21-25 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. … (21) And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; (22) And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. (23) And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. (24) Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (25) And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Job 34:10-19 Therefore hearken unto me, ye men of understanding: far be it from God, that he should do wickedness; and from the Almighty, that he should commit iniquity. (11) For the work of a man shall he render unto him, and cause every man to find according to his ways. (12) Yea, surely God will not do wickedly, neither will the Almighty pervert judgment. (13) Who hath given him a charge over the earth? or who hath disposed the whole world? (14) If he set his heart upon man, if he gather unto himself his spirit and his breath; (15) All flesh shall perish together, and man shall turn again unto dust. (16) If now thou hast understanding, hear this: hearken to the voice of my words. (17) Shall even he that hateth right govern? and wilt thou condemn him that is most just? (18) Is it fit to say to a king, Thou art wicked? and to princes, Ye are ungodly? (19) How much less to him that accepteth not the persons of princes, nor regardeth the rich more than the poor? for they all are the work of his hands.

Psalm 145:9 The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.

Psalm 139:13-18 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. (14) I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. (15) My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. (16) Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. (17) How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! (18) If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

Proverbs 16:4 The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.

Act 17:24-28 God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; (25) Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; (26) And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation; (27) That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us: (28) For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.

Romans 11:36 For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen.

Colossians 1:15-17 Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature: (16) For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him: (17) And he is before all things, and by him all things consist.

Revelation 4:11 Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

Even though I'm several years into this Examination of Everything, I still don't have complete practical answers for all I encounter. My practice now when I'm aware this is happening is to remember consciously that I am an adult, I am safe, and I don't have to defend ANYthing until somebody actually accuses or questions me. I don't HAVE to prepare for Every. Single. Dingle. Eventuality in order to survive. I don't HAVE to anticipate what someone MIGHT say or do in reaction to me living my life in order to be okay.

That's the truth.

There's more in this topic to explore. I hope to share what it's like to always react from a place of constant protection and distrust (that's the Outer Critic showing up), as well as how much of a role perfectionism plays in this and other manners of living and thinking. It's all tangled together and you can't tug one strand without jangling several others.

Notes & References:

1. Walker, Pete. "Emotional Neglect and Complex PTSD." Page 3, paragraph 1. Pete Walker's website. http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD. (accessed July 31, 2021)
   

2. Walker, Pete. "Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complext PTSD." Pete Walker's website. http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm. (accessed July 31, 2021)
   

3. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

   1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

4. Revelation 21:7-8 He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son. (8) But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

   Revelation 22:14-15 Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. (15) For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

5. Deuteronomy 18:10-12 There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch, (11) Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer. (12) For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD: and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee.

   Galatians 5:19-21 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, (20) Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, (21) Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

6. Important side note: “Live, and let live” isn't meant to be applied to life 100% of the time. It can be used, but judiciously, according to what GOD tells us in the Bible:

Ephesians 5:1, 3-8, 10-11 Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; … (3) But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; (4) Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. (5) For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. (6) Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. (7) Be not ye therefore partakers with them. (8) For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light: ... (10) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. (11) And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.