written Sabbath, 26 June 2021
Moral versus Developmental Imperatives
imperative1
-
adjective: absolutely necessary or required; unavoidable.
-
noun: something that demands attention or action; an unavoidable obligation or requirement; necessity. (emphasis mine)
The issue at the root of my personal trauma history is this: my childhood environment required two absolutely necessary things of me which were in constant conflict.
Children are born growing. The process begins before they are born, and development doesn't stop with birth. There's so much more that has to happen! I believe this is a GOD-designed process. It's miraculous and wonderful.
Brains have to develop over time, too. GOD also created this process. With the right input (nutrition, emotional and mental support, education) children eventually are supposed to have the knowledge, skills, and all the coping tools they need to lead healthy adult lives. We all know this doesn't always happen, for lots of different reasons. Maybe it never happens to total perfection. But that is the design.
Childhood growth is a MUST. If that child is going to become a functional adult, they MUST develop.
An essential task of childhood is to become a separate individual with your own healthy sense of person-hood based on GOD's truth, an inner confidence, exploration of different ideas, and varied childhood experiences. This is a GOD-designed, innate DEVELOPMENTAL IMPERATIVE.
The CHDG I was born into had its own set of “musts”. They said I was born with a human nature which couldn't EVER make GOD happy all by itself. They said this human nature, my “self”, was sinful and dangerous and would separate me from GOD forever. They said I had to have the Holy Spirit in order to please GOD, and that anything my “self” wanted to have or do or be shouldn't be trusted. My “self” had to be suppressed at all times. That was their MORAL IMPERATIVE.
Nobody sat me down and told me this. But these were the messages that I was exposed to week in and week out, from birth. There were lots of happy, positive messages, too, but happy things were only accessible if this “self” was kept “in its place”.
At some point, my brain went to work on internalizing those messages. But the group's MORAL IMPERATIVE couldn't co-exist with my innate DEVELOPMENTAL IMPERATIVE. According to what they said, the moral imperative meant ultimate safety and “okayness”. So of course I tried my hardest to meet the moral imperative.
The problem was, I didn't yet have the developmental ability to know when to apply this concept and when to abandon it in favor of just being a kid. So instead of doing development-necessary things that would have helped my identity and confidence grow, I suppressed myself.
Basically, I ended up being the instrument of my own trauma. I abandoned myself, over and over again. Emotionally, I did not learn resilience. I often felt afraid and alone and small when faced with anything outside of my “safe” zone. You always had to be on guard against your instincts and responses and actions. You weren't just a kid – you were a representative of GOD's kingdom and everything your family stood for. There was more to live for than just childhood. Every day had eternal-destination significance.
That's a lot for a kid-brain to handle.
That is how the trauma occurred for me, I believe. There weren't any rapes or beatings, no molestation or active neglect. As best I can remember, I had a very physically and emotionally safe childhood. But there was an ongoing, years-long traumatizing influence present, nonetheless.
It was all good intentions. The group has the highest purposes – introduce as many people as possible to GOD and teach them how to get safely with Him. Show people how to lead godly, joyful lives. How could that hurt children? How could that possibly be abusive?
But it is. It's a misuse of the Bible, a misapplication of something good and pure and right, which has various detrimental effects on childhood development.
I'm not the only person in the world to be adversely affected by this group. I believe the trauma and abuse of concepts still goes on. Perhaps parents are now able to carve out space for their kids to become healthy individuals. For instance, in some regions, it has become much more acceptable for kids to take part in various extra-curricular activities – a change from the era and region I grew up in.
However, I expect children are still exposed to age-inappropriate adult concepts. There is probably still pressure for children to “choose” to join the group once they start “thinking seriously” about GOD and life and death. Once that happens, the pressures keep coming. The expectation is that you'll participate in group gatherings – that you have something meaningful and sincere to say every Sunday and Wednesday, that you'll develop a twice-a-day reading and praying and meditation habit... that you'll be a “good” kid with a good “testimony” for your teachers and classmates.
I was sincere in all these tasks, and I think most group kids probably are, too. But as recently as 6-7 years ago, I witnessed children's physical tension as they spoke in the group gatherings. I witnessed their self-disappointment after they finished and it didn't come out the way they wanted it. At the time I thought they put pressure on themselves to perform because of how their parents were (family dynamics). Now I realize how their parents were is inseparable from how the CHDG was.
I hope people understand how this culture takes away the GOD-created freedom to “just be a kid”. Kids do have GOD-given responsibilities. There are specific things they should learn in their first 20 years. But there are many things that aren't their responsibility yet. The tragedy is when burdens are placed on children that GOD never asked of them, and they aren't given the tools to help carry them. Doesn't that remind you of the lawyers Jesus rebuked?2
I also hope adults who went through this realize how little of their childhood experience was their fault. Yes, you're responsible to do something about it now. But the fact that it happened wasn't because YOU weren't good enough, or “diligent” enough, or “righteous” enough. You were a kid, you did the best you could with all that was shoveled on you, and you survived. You've got a bunch of stuff to deal with from it, but now you have access to the truth. Now you've got the freedom to choose what to think, and to explore why you have all those other beliefs and thoughts and feelings. Now you can actually hold up all those doctrines to the Bible and say “Yep, that fits,” or “Where'd that come from? That's a crock!”
GOD's freedom feels good.
Notes
-
Dictionary.com Unabridged definition of imperative. Accessed 10 July 2021. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/imperative.
-
Luke 11:45-46 Then answered one of the lawyers, and said unto him, Master, thus saying thou reproachest us also. (46) And he said, Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye yourselves touch not the burdens with one of your fingers.