written Sabbath, 19 June 2021

How did I know there was a connection between my challenges and my exposure to a Closed, High Demand Group?

There wasn't really an “aha!” moment. It was kind of a hidden knowledge that I denied knowing at first. I had to gradually un-deny it and slowly get used to it in bits and pieces. Then go through more un-denying as all the bits and pieces added up. This is basically how it happened:

There were a few things I knew going into this thing. I already knew that something kind of traumatic had probably happened in my past in order for me to deal with the things I dealt with. Despite poring over my memories, I (THANKFULLY) couldn't remember one single traumatic event in my childhood – no physical abuse, no accidents, no bombs, no sexual abuse, no kidnappings, no domestic violence, no neglect.

However, there were definite signs I'd been through some sort of disruptive trauma which had affected my brain and emotions.

For instance, I was already aware of patterns of self-hate and -anger and -repression. I was on my way to overcoming these, but I didn't know their source.

I knew I was afraid. I'd known that for years. I knew it in high school; I knew it before that, way back in elementary school. I was afraid of standing out, of any extra attention, of being picked out of a crowd, of social situations, of being wrong, of standing up for “what was right”. Deeply afraid. Like, the brain thought it was a survival issue, that there was danger lurking in the most innocuous of circumstances.

It took me a long time to realize that my default level of fear wasn't actually healthy or normal. It took me longer to realize I wasn't born in fear. I learned it from somewhere.

I also knew I carried a lot of false emotional burdens around. Specifically, I believed I was responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This belief led to thought and behavior patterns – doing or saying certain things in order to try to get people to think certain things or feel certain ways about me. I knew this is not a burden GOD requires of us, so I had to acknowledge I'd been doing it, renounce it and quit doing it, and ask to be forgiven for it. But I didn't know where that practice originally came from.¹

After doing that, I lost physical weight, by the way.

(Did you read that?

MY BODY GOT LIGHTER after giving up false burdens.

Okay.

Just making sure you didn't miss that one.)

Also, I carried (and still am figuring out how to conquer) massive amounts of emotional shame and guilt. I wasn't born with all that baggage!

The point here is that I gradually figured out that I learned all this stuff SOMEwhere. I was taught it, or I defaulted to it in reaction to something in my environment, in order to survive.

So what was it in my childhood that could have produced all these things? Was there a single source² that taught me that I should hate myself, that I should be afraid of just about everyone and everything including myself, and that I should be ashamed and feel guilty?

Ah!

Well.

When you put it that way.

There did just happen to be this incredibly powerful, pervasive influence in my developing years. It was the religion my parents were members of when I was born. I was included as soon as it was safe as an infant to be around a lot of people. There aren't any separate programs for children, so kids are exposed to the same messages and hymns and doctrines that the adults are, twice a week or more.

Among other things, one of the tenets of the group's doctrine is self-denial. “That's Biblical!” you say. Yeah, it shootin'-sure is. And I practice it. If I wanna do something that GOD has said don't do, then I practice self-denial. But in this group, the way it was taught and the way my child's NOT-YET-DEVELOPED brain understood and applied this concept was thus:

1. Self (or “human nature” or “your own will” or “your flesh”) is bad.

2. Anything your “self” might want is suspect and shouldn't be trusted.

3. It's a moral issue. We're talking “okayness with GOD”. “Human nature” is not okay with GOD.

4. Basically, any expression of individual personality is a no-no.

5. Therefore: Suppress suppress suppress!!!!!

I want to go more in-depth on this in the future³. But the point is – finally, the connection was made. A source of trauma was revealed.

I wasn't a big fan of this answer (understatement!). First, when you're as immersed as I was as a child (and willingly so; there was tons of positive reinforcement and advantages to being immersed), your identity kind of becomes enmeshed with the group's. It's pretty scary at first to think about rejecting the basis of your existence. On top of that, when people you love are still in it, and you know they were doing the absolute best they knew how and cared really deeply about your welfare; and probably your identity was also kind of unhealthily enmeshed with theirs because of this shared culture background – then it feels like you're betraying someone. That cues all that existential guilt and shame all over again.

There's something funny about my brain. I don't understand this phenomenon yet, but in my quest to be brave (and I am getting braver by the … I don't know, the month, at least), my brain is still not willing to be the first. I wasn't actually able to completely acknowledge the truth TO MY OWN SELF without massive amounts of fear and guilt until someone else publicly did it on social media. (They weren't the first to ever do so, of course, but they were the first in my tiny circle of people I still stay in touch with.) Until they did this, I was carrying around this knowledge like a guilty secret; my brain punishing me with a sense I was betraying something whenever I tried to really think about how much of an impact the culture had on me. But once someone else blatantly, fearlessly owned up to being affected by the same childhood culture, a switch flipped.

My brain was like, “Whoa! Okay, then! They survived. Therefore, I can now think this same thought and also survive.” Because it wasn't sure up until that point, I guess? Like I said, it felt HORRIBLE - scary and betrayal and not survivable to consider this connection. (I don't know where my brain got this from yet. I'm not really worried about understanding it right now; I keep practicing bravery and faith and the fear keeps shrinking.)

So, once they did it, I was finally able to totally, consciously accept inside my own head that something had happened to me, and it hurt me, and I was not a bad person for acknowledging this. Nor was I going to let it keep me from living a fully adult life in the here-and-now. (Which it kind of has, until the past few years.)

It didn't take very long after that to be able to acknowledge this to others. Just recently I was able to matter-of-factly state the facts in an email to a current member of the group's leadership. That was a massive, massive VICTORY. I didn't write a certain way to massage what they thought of me, I didn't take on how it might affect them. I just let them know: “This is why I left the group, and this is why I won't participate ever again. These are the facts; no bitterness, no resentment.” I was simply giving them information so that they could choose how to respond. That was amazing. Definitely a milestone.

Now, here I am. Posting on a blog I share with my husband. Unapologetic, unafraid. Relieved. Living my life based on knowledge and truth. Daring to trust in GOD again. Daring to actually live out all those things we talked about back in the group:

Dare to be a Daniel.

Dare to stand alone.

Dare to have a purpose true.

DARE TO MAKE IT KNOWN!

-Author unknown

Notes:

1. The idea that we are responsible for other humans' emotional states is incredibly prevalent in our American society. It's not unique to the CHDG I grew up in. To lay sole blame there is not accurate. However, the group really emphasized “being your brother's keeper” on an emotional level: maintaining family-like relationships with and keeping emotional peace between members. Full-spectrum emotional regulation simply wasn't addressed well, just like in society at large. (More on that in other posts, hopefully.) In this aspect, the group mirrored and compounded society's failings.

2. Single-source: I don't want to downplay the fact that each family has its own environment, too. Of course family dynamics played a part in my development, just as it does in anybody's. But my parents are still alive, and they are pretty alright (understatement!) people as far as the spectrum of humanity goes, and (especially) as far as their efforts toward child-rearing go. In honor of them, that aspect of my experience is something I'm not okay deeply exploring publicly.

3. There are more aspects of this culture which affect kids. Most of it is rooted in false doctrine, contrary to the Bible. It's hard to pick just one thing out and say “This is it. This is what did it.” But this self-denial thing is a biggie. It's a core cause, in my opinion. I plan to write about more fallacies, both the ones that affect kids, and the ones that are just false. This will do for an introduction.