written 31 July 2021

Why write all this stuff? What good is this doing, anyway?

I really don't know why I feel so driven to write and publish. Yes, it's for personal growth. I have already stated my purposes for this blog in previous posts, and all of those are authentic and true.

Sometimes I wonder, though – what good is this doing? Isn't it better just to keep it quiet and deal with it yourself? Why do you feel the need to blurt it all out for the masses? (Masses?! I don't see masses yet. That will be aMAZing if hundreds or thousands of people read our blog!)

What good does that do?!

I just know that I feel driven to write and write and write, and get it out there where people will hopefully read and read and read. And then ultimately think and think and THINK!

I definitely hope to get something personal from it. I hope it reinforces the healing that's already taken place, and becomes a foundation for future, further healing. In a continued desire for connection (and I dunno whether this is unfulfilled need because I missed out on something as a kid, or if it's a completely healthy human need, or some mixture of both), I hope others who have experienced the same brain-tracks reach out. I hope I get stronger in my beliefs and practices as a result of taking this journey beyond me and my husband and a select few others.

So I have questions and doubts sometimes. But, in true Sara-fashion, or maybe just finally-grown-up human fashion, I am Doing It Anyway. Because NOT doing it feels stagnant and complacent and boring and like I'm holding back. I have achieved the most growth and the deepest feelings of connection when I have embraced vulnerability and authenticity. I hope my passion and realness come through in spades.

I know I am not the First Ever to leave that group. I'm not the first by a long shot to be totally invested in it, only to realize there were Serious Flaws and I had to Create Distance in order to figure this thing out. I'm not the first to exit the leadership then the fellowship. I am not the first to wake up to the trauma I experienced as a child because of the warped thinking and practices of the group.

To keep it in perspective, I know that we who have left that particular group are not the only folks to have experienced similar traumas as children. So many humans in the world are hurting because there were lies and false pressures put on them by the adults and institutions in their world. That's not unique to me or to those of us who have come out of this particular CHDG.

The failings of the group: the lack of integrity, the inconsistencies of doctrine between regions of members and between the whole group and the Bible, the absence of true transparency and accountability, and many other wrong practices have all been documented elsewhere. When I think of delving into the specific nitty-gritty details of the culture, my stomach almost turns. Nope, can't do it. Not ready yet. Maybe won't ever be. I'm not interested in dragging dirty laundry out. This isn't that kind of exposé. It'll probably get touched on, but that's not my purpose.

I don't have anything new to add. The knowledge I'm discovering isn't new, it's ancient. I'm covering ground that many people who left have already covered. I'm adding my voice to many others. Maybe there's something fresh here, maybe not.

I am not bitter. I am sometimes angry. Often I am exuberantly, wondrously free; and thankful. I am learning and practicing truth, and that is a phenomenal miracle. I didn't “go off the deep end.” I didn't become “unwilling.” I didn't make my experience up or bring it on myself. I didn't choose to make my brain work the way it learned to. That happened through no fault of my own, when I was powerless to stop it and helpless to recognize something was wrong with what was going on. But now?

Oh, NOW! Now, I have power and access to power. Now, I can choose what to think and believe. Now, I can claim what's mine, and no one can take it from me but GOD who gives it.

So it doesn't matter if there's a point or not. As long as I have a story to tell, I'll share it. I don't want to get caught up in the pain, but I won't ignore or deny it, either. Grieving is a very real and necessary part of this process, and I won't hide that. But pain is not the whole story. Triumph and healing and rejoicing and little tiny smiles at the difference between now and then – that's part of it, too.

All of it is worth telling, and I will tell it.