written 2nd day, 27 July 2021
Being good to myself
I have to have the self-compassion to realize I'm still in the middle of this thing. I'm still untangling. I've made huge leaps and bounds from where I began, but I'm still going. Still in the process.
It's so easy to get frustrated that I'm not further.
Also I've been struggling with the feeling that I'm not a good person because I've made the choices I've made about people in my life. But my choices aren't rooted in my desires for what I want my relationships with them to be. They're rooted in what GOD decided eons ago. So that's on Him, first; and then it's on them for the choices they've made in opposition to His. And my standards of whether I'm a good person or not come from a very warped, oppressive culture which encouraged overactive self-regulation from a moral standpoint. So that's that put in perspective.
My responsibility and privilege now is to choose for myself (amazing power!) what I want to be different – what in this can I control and how do I want my practice to change?
Then it becomes only about me and not about them. I already know the framework within which I can choose – GOD's commandments. Figuring out what my thoughts and beliefs are now and deciding what I want to think and do differently becomes the goal, the mission.
I love this process. I love the grounding, the simplicity of it. It brings order to the Tangle.