written 10 July 2021
How was this poem not a huge, giant red flag?
So back when I was a teenager I had a secret “boyfriend” at school. This was a huge, shameful thing, because he wasn't a member of the group. That was a big, dangerous no-no. I was able to keep it secret for a while, dunno how long. There was very little normal boyfriend/girlfriend activity; my shame and guilt over the mere existence of me being interested in boys (completely normal teenage girl thing!), especially a non-member, wouldn't dare let me reveal his existence, let alone ask to spend time with him after school. (That's just as well; I had no idea how to safely interact with a boyfriend in an age-appropriate way. I now know I was extremely vulnerable and naive, lacking practical, age-appropriate knowledge and healthy confidence.)
So, anyway, once the secret got out, it continued to be a big shameful thing. Because he wasn't a member and I'd been trying to hide it (dishonesty), I was given the choice to A) keep the boyfriend and quit participating verbally in the group gatherings, or B)break up with him and continue my participation, uninterrupted. This of course brought on much more guilt – "I'm a terrible person for wanting this".
Anyway, I made my choice and kept the boyfriend for a while, until I couldn't stand it anymore1. And I quit participating in our local twice a week gatherings, most of which were held at our house. This was obviously conspicuous to the other members (which was kind of the point, I guess?), who had lots of sympathy and, I assume, prayers for me. During this time, I was given a poem to encourage me by one of the adult members. It was supposedly written by a young female leadership member, but her name wasn't attached to the poem that I recall. I'll reproduce what I remember of it here, as best I remember it, which is just the first few lines:
It's not the easiest thing a girl can do,
This being an individual2 all through school,
Facing being friendless with a smile,
While her sad heart is aching all the while....
That's all I remember. Now, here's what I want to point out from all this. It was perfectly normal and accepted and ENCOURAGED, even, to have this experience as a young person. To be sad and lonely, at a time when developmental tasks include a social life that's supposed to be expanding and friendships that are supposed to be forming.
But nobody read that and thought, “Hey, something's wrong here. We're producing sad and lonely people whose hearts are aching? We're forcing an experience on children that causes this and we think it's right?! What is wrong with this picture!?!”
I didn't think anything of it. Once I was emotionally ready to read it and not be resentful, I thought “Oh, I'm not the only one! Somebody else gets it,” and was all warm and fuzzy about it. Oof-dey.
So that's just a slice of the warped groupthink that I experienced. The false idea that “it's Godly to do things which produce emotional pain and suffering in your child's heart” was completely normal to me and obviously not just to me but to other people who'd tried to apply group doctrine to themselves during the same life-stage.
Of course that wasn't our conscious thought. But that's what it amounted to.
Notes:
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Rest of story: I finally gave up on the boyfriend in favor of group participation. I now realize I couldn't deal with the reality of making my own way without all the support and approval of family and group peers. I submitted again, got in line, and felt happy and at peace once more. I think I pretty much gave up on the idea of boys at that point. I was terribly awkward socially anyway, and around boys specifically; having no idea how to innocently interact with them without somebody thinking there was something going on. So much pressure and guilt and shame! Ugh.
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Regarding the line about being an individual: In the nineties in my little town, there were a few kids starting to dress differently than other kids. Diversity was starting to be a thing – goth and emo culture had just hit the small high school fashion scene where I was, and caused quite a stir. Beyond that, people weren't too dissimilar in their clothing. But female group members, including teens and preteens, were expected to look different than other people, with modest dress and long hair. I understood and even mostly agreed with it, but it automatically made you stand out. It made you different. That was the point. So that's where the “being an individual” part comes in – being different on purpose by not participating in “worldly” activities and by looking different than “worldly” girls. The poet didn't mean being an actual individual, as in considering differing ideas then choosing which you wanted to enact or believe or become.