written 15 June 2021
Hi, there. My name is Sara and I have been alive for 39 years. My first thirty three years were spent living in a Closed, High Demand Group. My parents are members, so my first decade of life was spent in that culture by default. The next 10 years were spent participating “willingly” by my childhood choice; the last 13 years spent in the group were by my conscious, intentional adulthood choice.
This blog is about my experience investigating the developmental changes which the culture forced on my brain, and my personal decisions on how to deal with, heal, and adapt to those changes.
That group has the noblest of intentions, yet they perpetuate false doctrines which influence children's development. I experienced no intentional abuse. There was undeniably an unintended side effect of their agenda which majorly impacted my life and others' lives.
My reclamation of power has been two-fold: discovering what caused the unhealthy thought and behavior patterns which felt miserable and bewildered me; and recommitting my life to a living, everlasting Creator and His commandments and truth as actually presented in the Bible.
This blog is part of my practice of bringing things to light out of darkness. Examination and exploration MUST happen for healing to take place. It was terrifying to begin with, but the terror of what might be revealed was actually less scary than the familiar bewildering pain, ignorance, and denial. I was convicted that things must be shaken, and comforted that “what can't be shaken will remain”. I didn't want to base my life on anything shaky, and I was reassured that there was something secure in there which would survive, and on which I could build and be safe. That has been true.
I write mostly for me. I admit, I hope it has side effects: maybe people with similar backgrounds will recognize aspects of their experience in mine and realize there is a definite root cause for their struggles. I hope those people realize it is possible for us to reclaim the power we're meant to wield regarding our brains and our emotions.
I also hope people are motivated to consider their involvement in any culture or practice which hurts children, even unintentionally. Humanity is so long removed from basic, ancient knowledge of living, including what children need to become truly productive, healthy adults. I absolutely hope this blog is disruptive and challenging to long-held ideas and thoughts. The culture I was raised in typically shuns that sort of questioning and light-bringing, but there is so much value in it, and little to truly fear. Another way of saying it is that there is much to be gained if the fear is faced – if the Thing is done anyway. What is worth keeping will still be there on the other side of fear. I have proven this.
There are many other aspects of modern living that have deviated from original knowledge and the Creator's commandments: finance, raising families, employing/being an employee, leaving inheritances, growing food and raising animals, education, justice, government, rule of law – on and on. Society's definitions of decency and right and beauty and freedom and love and happiness are all concepts which can be questioned and tested and rejected, if need be. I hope to explore truth in these areas also.
That I am able to publicly, unapologetically acknowledge the facts of my existence is an astounding MIRACLE. It is breathtaking to me that I can do this without feeling intense shame or guilt, that I am able to relinquish responsibility for what ANYone thinks of me or my choices, that I can state my experience without worrying whose feelings will be hurt or who will suffer, that without bitterness I recognize the blessings of my childhood and even the advantages of exposure to the culture that also hurt me. I have had to wrestle with and accept the truth that GOD was aware of the potential effects of the situation He put me in and did it anyway. (I don't get it, but I still praise Him.)
This knowledge and power and growth are the result of years of struggle and grief. I wrestle with fault versus responsibility, learning to own what's mine and releasing what isn't.
As I continue to grow up, to step into who I am, I want to document for myself and others that this transformation is possible. It's possible to believe in and love a GOD who allows and even engineers such things. It's possible to heal and have faith. It's possible to live freely. It's possible to grow up. It's possible to find and claim your GOD-created individuality, even when you couldn't do that at the GOD-designed time.
Welcome.